The stage of grief hits you like a concussion. I did not know what day it was nor time. I fought for each day and put one foot in front of the other. I kept telling myself I had to move forward, no matter what. Sometimes, I stop myself and ask what the heavens am I doing? I should be insane by now. How am I going through this? God always gently reminds me it is Him who is carrying me through.
One morning as John woke me up to let me know he was leaving for work, I told him of the next dream. I woke up with a feeling of hope and I was excited to tell him about it.
The dream started with a large dark room, almost like a warehouse. As John and I walked in the room we see people sitting on chairs lined on the edge of a wall, as in a waiting room. I look closely and I see that they are parents and loved ones grieving for the loss of their loved ones. Some have their loved ones sitting with them and some, like carrying babies, are holding them in baby carriers. There was nothing gruesome about it, their loved ones just looked asleep.
As I got closer to what was a large waiting room, John sits and I am called back to a side room. There are a few rooms side by side and they are open. As I get closer, I see they are makeup rooms. The makeup artist calls me forward and tells me to sit. She begins to put heavy make up on my face and I start feeling confused. I ask her why she is putting it on so heavy. She then tells me, “I have to blend in with the deceased in the picture”. She then points over to the photography area. I see a family taking their last photo with their loved one, a man. I move the makeup artist’s hand away from my face and tell her absolutely not. I run out of that room with John.
A few minutes later, I am sitting under what looks like a pavilion at a park. I am sitting on a bench looking towards a foggy white area. You can barely see a playground in the back. Cati comes up to me. She is wearing the most beautiful dress. She was royalty and is looking straight at me. She looks perfect, and to my surprise, she is not wearing her glasses. I am explaining what happened and why she is now in heaven. As I am speaking to her, I am making sure her hair is perfect and her outfit is as well. To my surprise, everything was perfect, nothing was out of place. I always explained things to her in a way she would understand. As always, she was listening and anxiously waiting for me to finish so she could go back to play. I could hear children’s laughter in the background and saw a glimpse of other children running in the playground.
I knew when I woke up from the dream that she was in heaven. She was so happy and having fun. Even though she did not speak to me, she let me know she did not want me to hold on to her. She was telling me “Mommy, death is not what the world has taught you. Death is eternity and I am happy.”